If we experience non-flatulent (ahem, Mr. No matter what happens, you won’t remember what we said here, so just try to think about puppies or chocolate.
Sit back and relax and enjoy our cracked#
If not, the plane will probably be cracked into multiple pieces, so just hug your flotation device and try to paddle to safety. If not, you will probably wish you were dead. In the event of a water landing, let’s face facts: You will probably be dead. So the captain has done some math, and he estimates your approximate walking time to Atlanta would be about 21 days. You wouldn’t want to drive on roads and bridges that are paid for with tax dollars, not to mention auto and energy subsidies, because that would be hypocritical. The captain estimates your approximate driving time to Atlanta would be about seven hours. Of course, that means nobody would fly, and this form of travel would not exist at all here, like light rail.
If there are any libertarians on this flight, please note that your unsubsidized fare for this trip would have been approximately $35,000. If one single person aboard doubts this plane can stay aloft, it will plummet faster than a 401(k) that’s heavily invested in airline stocks. That’s basically how airplane technology works. Ladies and gentlemen, please focus your mental energy on keeping this 1 million-pound aircraft aloft, despite the law of gravity. Also, to the gentleman in Row 20, Seat C, please hold in your farts. The following instruction is for the lady in Row 12, Seat D: Please stop boring that stranger next to you with stories about your daughter’s soccer game. If you can’t go an hour without a snack, bring your own damn pretzels next time. We sized you up on your way in and you clearly don’t need any snacks. Once airborne, we will not be serving snacks or beverages. If you tamper with the smoke detectors, an alarm will sound and we will all make fun of you until the sound becomes maddening, at which point someone will likely beat you. We just made up that rule so we could watch our business travelers and teenagers go into DTs when they’re unable to fondle their gadgets.įederal law prohibits a lot of stuff but most especially terrorism, so don’t do that anywhere, including in the airplane lavatories.
Also, just so you know: That nicotine gum you’re chewing makes your breath smell like a pharmacy fire.Īt this time, please turn off and stow all electronic devices, because an iPod playing Ke$ha could cause this plane to fall from the sky. If you die on this flight because of your inability to buckle your seatbelt, we will pause for a moment of silence to thank natural selection for thinning the herd.īecause it isn’t 1975, this is a non-smoking flight.
Sit back and relax and enjoy our how to#
This listing is for a digital download.Despite federal law, we won’t insult your intelligence by describing how to buckle a seatbelt. No returns/exchanges on downloadable items. Watermarks will not appear on the download. The downloadable files are in high-resolution, come in four sizes, and are in b&w + *bubble gum pink, *chartreuse, and *fresh blue. Or print it, frame it, and give it as a gift to someone who needs to better their bathroom. But that doesn't mean you can't have art that reminds you what a bathroom is for for sitting back, relaxing, and enjoying the view! This hand-drawn art is instantly available once purchased so you can print it, frame it, and hang it immediately. Ever walk into a bathroom and forget what to do in it? Probably not.
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